Please Professor, fix my form!

I’ve spent several days observing The Professor conduct what he calls “pre-launch mobility instruction.”

From what I can tell, this involves gathering a group of fully grown whitewater males on the riverbank, making them stretch in uncomfortable positions, and then explaining at extraordinary length... how opening their hips will somehow prevent them from making the exact same terrible decisions they were already planning to make.

Naturally, I became curious. I want to keep my hips loose, too!

The Professor is very serious about yoga. He talks about alignment, breath, and channeling your inner yogi.

“Rotate your hips.”

“Square your shoulders.”

“Lengthen through your spine.”

“Stop falling over, Bert!”

So, I emerged from the bushes.

The Professor went silent.

I told him I had been studying his teachings and wanted a professional evaluation of my Warrior Pose. He stared at me and seemed nervous... as boys tend to do.

I planted my feet, bent deeply into the pose, extended my arms, and asked:

“Professor… can you properly align me?”

He swallowed.

“Uh… you look pretty aligned to me!"

I told him if my hips were out of position, he should use his hands and move them where they belong. His hands immediately rose into the air like he had just been poked in the back.

“No, no. You’re actually doing great.”

Seconds earlier, he had physically repositioned three kayakers like he was rearranging patio furniture. Now suddenly his teaching philosophy had become strictly verbal.

I widened my stance.

The Professor began sweating.

At this point, he attempted to explain that proper yoga instruction requires “respectful spatial awareness.” I reminded him that I had just watched him grab OLSON!!! by the waist and rotate him forty-five degrees while yelling something about pelvic neutrality.

Eventually, he demonstrated the correction from a safe distance by waving his hands in the air and saying:

“Just… move that… slightly… over there.”

Extremely technical.

I made the adjustment.

He nodded.

“Oh, that's perfect.”

So apparently I have mastered Warrior Pose. The Professor, however, appears to have lost complete control of his nervous system.

The kayakers are launching now. He has returned to explaining hydrodynamics like nothing happened. But I noticed something interesting.

He hasn’t looked me directly in the eyes for 8 long minutes.

I’ll continue observing. For research purposes, of course.